“Does this page even exist anymore?”
Yes my friends, that it does. I know I have been gone awhile and if you’re interested in my mediocre excuses, please feel free to read on.
I have come to one major realization lately. I started my blog for all of the wrong reasons. I convinced myself that it wasn’t about “making a name” or “becoming someone.” But to be completely honest with you all, that is exactly what it was. I realized that I craved to be important, to be a big name in this world to make myself feel less small. I thought that a blog was the perfect way to do that. This is exactly why I have not kept up with it. I lost passion because the true passion wasn’t a “WHY” to starting this. I realized months later that I do have a passion for writing, but right now in my life, this blog needs to be put on the back burner.
Life isn’t about making a name for yourself or becoming famous. I feel like so much of my existence has been based on this idea that I need to be known to be successful. I don’t believe that this is the truth at all. At least not for me. I have realized now that making a name for myself means only that if I can make a few important people know my name, and appreciate me then that is all the importance. I think that as long as I am passionate about my life and my job and my hobbies then I am the most successful I can be. IT ISN’T ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW MY NAME, BUT INSTEAD HOW IMPORTANT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN MY LIFE THAT KNOW MY NAME. As someone very important to me once said, “I’m going to make this world my b****” The way I am going to do that is simple. I am going to do what’s taboo and truly live my life. We go by existing and thinking that’s all we get. Truth be told I’d rather live for a small amount of time then exist for a lifetime.
As those of you who have read my last post about anxiety, that is one of the many reasons as to why I have taken a hiatus of sorts from this blog. I have been at war with my own mind for many months now, and those with anxiety and/or depression will know what it is like to fight this fight. I wake up the same way I fall asleep. With a racing mind, and a tired body. It is a constant battle and sometimes there are only moments when I feel I am winning. I am working every day to better my mind and body, and most times this takes all of my attention. My blog comes second to my health because, without my health, I wouldn’t even be writing at all. I have done a heck of a lot of talking lately, and it is time for me to take a step back and just listen. Listen to the storm clouds, to the sunshine and the birds chirping, to my body and the signals it sends me to slow down, to the people in my life who mean the most. It is time to live and let live. It’ll be what it’ll be.
To everyone who will wait to hear more, and has supported me this long; I am eternally grateful. To my mentors, my friends, and my family, you all know who you are. You are the most important people in my life, and I am forever thankful for your guidance, your support, and even your mush when you know I don’t do emotions. Thank you, thank you, thank you.